“I don’t give a fuck”.

Interesting phrase, that.

Do we say it because we don’t have enough fucks to begin with? Can you first borrow a fuck in order to then give that fuck away? And if so, how should you pay the fuck back? With interest, or something? Presumably fucks aren’t that cheap, otherwise we’d all be giving fucks to everyone, but we’re not doing that, obviously. Wouldn’t you be highly embarrassed if you were too miserly to even give one fuck away in a market where trading in fucks was brisk?

Surely if you are not giving a fuck, then not taking the fuck in the best place might be in order? You never hear of anyone taking fucks, do you? Is it because we’re all too honest to take one, even if it was lying around in plain daylight? Do we then tell people we don’t give a fuck, only so we don’t look bad in front of others?

Maybe fucks are just conjured from thin air. But then why give the fuck to anyone, as presumably everyone could conjure up fucks any time they like themselves? Perhaps fuck-conjuring is only known to an elite with some sort of black market in play for fuck rip-offs. Not giving one essentially helps to preserve the mystique.

Perhaps we are all born with a set amount of fucks and we are implored by our parents to give those fucks away wisely. That makes the most sense. Then, when we are in a situation where fuck-giving would definitely be in order, it’s withheld, in the plain knowledge that life is long and you never know when a better opportunity to give away that precious fuck might come along.

Interesting that it’s never mentioned who the fuck is for. Doesn’t the word “give” go with an object? You never hear “I gave Tom a fuck last week and he used it to build a swimming pool”, or “I gave a fuck to Jane but it was faulty and it was returned the following day”, or “To Adam, I bequeath all my fucks”. No, it’s just given with no thought as to who is going to get it. In that case, there must be a lot of desperate, unwanted fucks about. I really hope they are neutered or it could become a big problem over time.

Or is it that you don’t give a fuck “about” something? Is that like a song or a verse “about” something – the Mourne Mountains, or the Lovely Rose of Clare? So, it’s some sort of avoidance strategy then, like when it’s your turn to sing, or buy a round? You’ll find the fuck-not-givers in the bathroom, lads.

Most probably it’s a statement of character, like “I don’t eat chocolates for Lent”, or “peanuts give me hives”. What you are saying about yourself is that wonderful and all though fuck giving might be, it’s not for you. Not even on Sundays. You can be followed around, your neighbours can be asked, but you’ll never be seen trying to give a sneaky fuck on the side when nobody is looking. In which case, well done you.

Some people are wont to say “I don’t give two fucks”, implying that they will give one fuck if the price is right. Clearly, these people can be bought. If they get a good deal on the first, they might well consider giving the second one as well. Therefore, the “two fucks” brigade are all liars. Avoid them where possible.

So if you are reading this and are appalled by my misuse of language, let me tell you now that I shouldn’t give a fuck, but actually, I do. Surely somebody has to, otherwise we would live in a world without any fucks at all. What a sad, sad place that would be.