News from the wires this morning tells us that many users of Twitter and Facebook* have been injured in domestic accidents after deciding not to take anything seriously today.

“Some guy on Twitter mentioned that it was sunny today, so I wore my heavy duty snow coat”, says AlanX, a 3 year user of Twitter. “The zip caught, however, and I nearly boiled to death inside the bloody thing”. Alan is recovering in hospital.

“I was informed on Twitter that it was the first of the month and didn’t believe it”, said Sunny_Daze, from Germany. “I went to work and accidentally tripped all the burglar alarms”. Sunny works for the Gold Reserve unit of the Bundesbank. She is expected to make a full recovery in 2014 after Army Special Operations were called.

“I knew what Twitter was going to be like, so I decided to stay on Facebook instead”, said Andrew_P from Limerick. “I nearly died of boredom”. Andrew’s brain was discovered trying to escape through his nostrils. A team of specialist neurologists have been on hand to coax it back into place all morning.

All over the world, reports are coming in of people who failed to leave burning buildings, who kept walking on train tracks and who remained swimming in alligator infested waters when there was a clear and present danger. The answer given is always the same: “Ha! Good one.”

Twitter users can be identified this morning by their reaction when you say something innocent to them and they immediately react with suspicion. “Hello” will get a slap in the face. “Would you like a coffee” will send them shrieking under the bed-covers. Please be sensitive to these sensitive souls on this day. If you want them to do something for you, say the opposite and hope they are not second guessing that request too.

* PS. I was only joking about Facebook users. They are too busy sharing inane posters of birds and “liking” their best friends acne counts to be interested in this stuff.