A lady who has occupied a large plot of land in one of Ireland’s most famous parks has been served notice of eviction by the Irish authorities. “I’ve been here for the past 14 years”, says Mrs. Mary “Prezzer” McAleese, “and now they want to move me and my whole family out in one go”. McAleese (60) moved into the house in 1997 after the previous occupant was called away on urgent business, leaving the lands completely deserted.

The house stands on a large plot of land in Co. Dublin, where McAleese has busied herself planting trees in every available space since she moved in. “She has a thing about trees”, says Mr B. Obama, who witnessed her plant one recently during a visit to the park. Another lady, Elizabeth W. (name withheld), noted McAleese’s propensity to plant a tree every time she met a new visitor. “It was very odd”, she said, “all I wanted was a cup of tea, but instead she had the gardening gloves on before I had a chance to say hello”.

“Now, after minding my own business, they’re kicking me out and taking me away from my trees”, mourned Mrs. McAleese yesterday. She says that she will go to jail if necessary to stop new tenants from occupying her lands. “There is such a thing as squatter’s rights, you know”.

Meanwhile, suitable candidates are being lined up to occupy the lands once Mrs. McAleese vacates them. “I have quite a lot of experience burying things”, says Mr. M. McGuinness from Derry, who has expressed a strong interest in the lands. Another candidate for the park, Mr. D. Norris, also feels qualified, albeit in a different way. “I prefer metal detection to tree planting, quite frankly”, he pronounced. “After all, people enjoy dredging up things from the distant past, don’t they”? Ms. Mary “Kelloggs” Davis, another applicant, is apparently more keen to use the lands to rehabilitate the large number of telephone poles damaged by distracted motorists crashing into them over the past few days. Other applicants for the land: Michael D. Higgins, Sean Gallagher and Dana Rosemary Scallon were unavailable for comment, while we couldn’t be bothered asking the remaining applicant, Mr. Gay Mitchell, to comment at all.