DERMOT AHERN: Tommy Tiernan, son of Deuteronomy of Gath.
TOMMY TIERNAN: Do I say ‘yes’?
DERMOT: You have been found guilty by the elders of the town of uttering the name of our Lord, and so, as a blasphemer,…
DERMOT: …you are to be stoned to death.
TOMMY: Look. I– I’d had a lovely gig, and all I said to my audience was, ‘That piece of legislation would make Jehovah piss himself laughing.’
DERMOT: Blasphemy! He’s said it again!
CROWD: Yes! Yes, he did! He did!…
DERMOT: Did you hear him?!
CROWD: Yes! Yes, we did! We did!…
WOMAN #1: Really!
DERMOT: Are there any women here today?
CROWD: No. No. No. No…
DERMOT: Very well. By virtue of the authority vested in me under the 2009 Defamation Act —
[NUN stones TOMMY]
TOMMY: Oww! Lay off! We haven’t started yet!
DERMOT: Come on! Who threw that? Who threw that stone? Was it you Senator Norris? Come on.
CROWD: She did! She did! He did! He! He. He. Him. Him. Him. Him. He did.
NUN: Sorry. I thought we’d started.
DERMOT: Go to the back.
NUN: Oh, dear.
DERMOT: Always one, isn’t there? Now, where were we?
TOMMY: Look. I don’t think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying ‘Jehovah’.
CROWD: Oooh! He said it again! Oooh!…
DERMOT: You’re only making it worse for yourself!
TOMMMY: Making it worse?! How could it be worse?! Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!
DERMOT: I’m warning you. If you say ‘Jehovah’ once more– [MR. A MATTHEWS stones DERMOT]
DERMOT: Right. Who threw that?
DERMOT: Come on. Who threw that?
CROWD: She did! It was her! He! He. Him. Him. Him. Him. Him. Him.
DERMOT: Was it you?
MR A. MATTHEWS (wearing a false beard): Yes.
MR. A. MATTHEWS: Well, you did say ‘Jehovah’.
CROWD: Ah! Ooooh!…
[CROWD stones MR. A. MATTHEWS]
DERMOT: Stop! Stop, will you?! Stop that! Stop it! Now, look! No one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle! Do you understand?! Even, and I want to make this absolutely clear, even if they do say ‘Jehovah’.
[CROWD stones DERMOT]
WOMAN #1: Good shot!
[clap clap clap]
(via Monty Python’s Life of Brian)