Bertie Ahern delivered his swan song to the joint houses of Congress today.

Here are a few things he was unlikely to say to his American audience…

  1. Ah howya, Nancy. Yer lookin’ good!
  2. On behalf of Her Royal Majesty, I am glad to be here today.
  3. Infidels! You all die now!
  4. Ah for feck’s sake: you ask me to speak here but you couldn’t even put me in a proper gaff last night..
  5. The following Irish wish is appropriate tonight.. “Ciúnas bóthar cailín bainne”..
  6. Whew! It’s a lucky thing I won’t be Taoiseach for the Lisbon Treaty Referendum..
  7. Thank goodness we got an agreement in Northern Ireland before that plank, Bush, was elected..
  8. You should take a look at my successor – he looks like a bulldog licking piss of a nettle..
  9. I’m goin’ to Boston to get pissed! I’ll be cryin’ plenty of tears for Parnell then, wha?
  10. And to the Irish people, I say… so long suckers! I bought a one way ticket and I’m claiming asylum here..